A Friend Seen With Closed Eyes

I am a sinner, just like all the others. But if you knew what actions I’ve done, what lies I’ve told, or what decisions I’ve made, you’d probably look at me with disdain in your eyes and a frown on your lips, even if I were your best friend.

There are things I’ve committed that I’d never tell you, even if you put a knife to my throat. Secrets I swore I’d take to my grave, kept to myself. I believe it’s easier that way. After all, my heart is too soft for judgment, and my mind is too hard to let anyone in. I didn’t want to do what I’ve done; I just had no choice. You wouldn’t understand that, and so you wouldn’t know.

Yet, the more I keep these untold truths, the heavier it gets. It weighs me down and clouds my mind. Shame fills me as I imagine what could have been if I wasn’t too gullible and naive. Suppose I hadn’t bitten the apple, if I had never followed the snake. I feel helpless—I can never undo what’s beyond reversal. Like words written in ink, I can cover it but never erase it.

And so I confide in someone. No, not a mortal being, but a friend I talk to when my hands are clasped, and my eyes are closed. I meet Him in a quiet sanctuary in my mind, and there, I reveal the naked truth. I tell my stories as I would to a human being. Only I feel no judgment or disappointment, just the calm presence that breaks down all the ache, regret, and rage.

Just like that, I feel like I’ve been reborn. Stripped of all the pain I carry, free from the past that cages me, and far from the sins that rot my insides. It’s like I am a fresh new person, a blank slate, or an empty canvas waiting to be filled with joyful things.

It has always amazed me how a prayer acts as a sacred conversation between just you and God. You don’t hear a response, but you feel it within you. As if something shifted and suddenly, you know all is going to be well because He is with you. 

I can’t count the times I’ve ended a day with a prayer. Not just for days I feel dejected, but also for moments I’m overloaded with joy. Slowly, it became a routine for me. If there’s someone I have shared everything with, without a doubt, it’s Him. He doesn’t need to knock to enter, cause He is already within me.

Sometimes I look up at the sky and smile. My best friend and Savior is somewhere miles beyond measure, but He is here, and He knows. He understands even if I don’t utter a single word. I may have wandered through darkness, but when I close my eyes, there I see light. That light guides me, and I am sure that everything will be just fine.